All the Lies We Tell

6 April 2021
She started to speak funny.
She does not know that.

7 April 2021
I remember the void in her eyes.
She is there, but her mind is somewhere else. I asked her softly, almost like whispering, to let her know the sincerity in my offer: “Do you want to go? to grass or somewhere warm under the sunlight?“. Her eyes flicked at me.

I want. But my body cannot move.

8 April 2021
She was seating on the sofa, her usual spot to watch Korean Drama. She put her hands around mine. She raised her knees from her seat. I sensed a strong desire to be physically independent through the firmness of her grip. But her weight betrays her. She let gravity pull her down.
“I cannot stand.” She said in disbelief.

I said :”Healing is a process. Don’t give up, healing may take time.”
I hope she didn’t hear my sigh.

9 April 2021
A notification from my husband appeared on my phone:

I am at parking lot.
I need to be alone for a moment.

I replied his text:
I know.
Take any time you need.

Thank you.

I put down my phone and gently rubbed her ochre hands. I used to think I have a yellow skin, an average color of Chinese-Indonesian skin tone, but next to hers, it is blush, color of healthier flesh.

She asked me “What is it?”

“He is going somewhere farther to eat. Thus he will be back later than expected.” I said as I endured the weight of my tears.


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